Honey, Trained Monkeys Just Don't Have What It Takes to Be Authentic

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Quite a long headline to kick things off, I know. Bear with me; it sets the stage for something important.

The last two weeks were all about authenticity for me. It surfaced in conversations with my daughters, friends, and partners. Two themes kept emerging: our need to fit in and our longing to be accepted for who we truly are. Welcome to the paradox: trying to conform while staying true to ourselves? C'mon, that just doesn’t work.

And with that, welcome to this edition of my ✨MuseLetter✨, where I riff on authenticity—why it’s more essential than ever and how we can nurture it within ourselves.

The Craving for Acceptance

What do you truly desire in a relationship? I’ve asked friends and clients alike. The answer is always the same: to be loved (or in business: to be accepted) for who they are. I totally relate—I want that, too.

But here’s the catch: we often sacrifice who we are to gain approval, whether to impress, fit in, or advance our careers.

We convince ourselves we need to be differently polished, differently agreeable, differently…whatever it takes to win the other person over. In doing so, we pretend to be someone we’re not, distancing ourselves from our genuine selves in the hope of acceptance and love.

We rather lie about who we are than dare to show up in all truth. -NB

We even attend seminars to learn how to walk, talk, and present ourselves to meet others' expectations. Why? By the time of our adulthood, we’ve internalized the belief that we need to be different to justify our existence so deeply, that this becomes our normality. As adults, this translates into feeling like we must prove our legitimacy by showing up in a certain way, often straying further from who we truly are.

The more we try to fit in, the further we drift from authenticity. And the further we drift, the harder it gets to feel at ease in our own skin.

Highway to Personal Hell

Looking back on my journey, I see how long I played the game of fitting in for the sake of belonging.

There would be countless stories to tell about how I was told to speak (or remain silent), look, dress, and act. But one experience in particular cut deep and demanded much of my courage to move on.

In my teens, I was selected several times to attend special schools and camps for gifted students, each for a few weeks a year. Coming back to my regular school was always a bit of a challenge, but this one year was especially rough. After a few weeks away, I couldn’t reconnect with my peers. Being outcasted for something I was talented at left me isolated—painful at an age when acceptance felt like everything. The loneliness that came with the rejection changed me. I built a protective façade (giving the strong one), learned to defend myself with words, and refined my people- and social-dynamic-reading skills. Before anyone or anything could get close to me, I was ready for defense.

As I grew older, I mastered the art of appearing too cool to care. It became so ingrained that I didn’t even notice it.

But in my late 30s (!unbelievable it took me so long😳!), after returning to my role as Managing Director from part-time maternity leave, I painfully realized this attitude wasn’t serving me anymore. Sure, I’d always had a leadership talent, a good sense of people and how to get them to cooperate, but I kept everyone at arm’s length (remember? I was the mistress of defense mode). This time, though, that distance I created wasn’t working anymore.

The company’s challenges demanded humane collaboration. Facing that reality was tough. My team had changed, and so had I during those months away. To earn my team’s willingness to cooperate, I had to show them the human in me rather than the polished version I’d been hiding behind for years. So, how would I transition from being icy and untouchable Queen Elsa to someone leading with warmth, vulnerability, and a deep sense of connection?

By taking the inner highway to personal hell.

To move forward, I had to drop the façade I had carefully built over many years. I had to evolve and get to an inner place I had carefully locked away. Admitting that, tasted like vinegar in my mouth and felt like much stretching for my heart. Growth pain included.

The first few weeks were shaky—not just for me, but for all of us—as I leaned into vulnerability rather than hiding behind my old defenses. My team had never seen and experienced me this open and, well... human before. But you know what? The moment I let my guard down and stopped presenting a fake version of myself, things finally started to work. I showed up as a human with all emotions and as many parts of me as I was able to. Authenticity had room to breathe. Finally.

One thing I learned about authentic leadership during this time is that

there’s always space for a little more humanity and devotion in us and business. -NB

None Of Us Are Saints

Uncovering our authenticity begins with asking uncomfortable questions. We have to strip away the layers and commit to being true to ourselves.

Confronting tough questions is not an option, it is a necessity.

Here are the ones I still lean in (btw: I'd be happy to support you in exploring):

- What lies have I been telling myself about myself?

- What truth about myself do I wish wasn’t true?

- What truth about myself do I refuse to accept?

For me, the truth was that I was different. I came into this world with talents that set me apart—I was never meant to fit in, and I never would. I always stood out, not because of what I did, but simply because of who I am. A significant part of who I am is being a leader.

Leaders don’t blend in; they carve their own paths. And yes, that path is lonely most of the time. Looking back to the story I just shared about my revelation at the end of 30 makes it clear to me: I had to evolve from textbook leadership to my own version of being a leader.

In our quest to fit in—whether to impress at work, maintain social harmony, or avoid standing out—we often sacrifice our authenticity. We convince ourselves we need to change, to mold ourselves into something more acceptable. So, we sign up for seminars, read self-help books, and attend workshops on how to present ourselves better.

To build a so-called dream career as a corporate leader, we’re told to fit in first, shaping ourselves into the version of leadership they expect. But once we climb the ladder, we hear we’re not coming across authentically.

It’s a perverse cycle that leads to sick behavior.

Instead of facing the truth, many of us try to coach away the uncomfortable parts. We focus on strengthening our strengths and polishing ourselves to perfection.

But to be truly human—and authentic—we must accept it all: not only our shininess, but also our swearing, our messiness, our wrinkles, our untamed hair, and yes, even the stinky parts of ourselves we’d rather keep hidden.

I know it’s not the prettiest picture, but let’s be honest (and please repeat after me!):

NONE OF US ARE SAINTS.

“Even saints have a past, and even sinners have a future.” - Jason Aldean

The Unlearning, The Truth, and The Courage

Authenticity isn’t something we learn—it’s about unlearning the façades we’ve built. We attend workshops, not necessarily to gain new insights, but to better fit the mold. But does all that training lead to real competence? Rarely—and it certainly doesn’t lead to authenticity.

We show up like trained monkeys performing tricks in a circus. Their skills may impress, but we know they lack the inner freedom and capacity to explore and express beyond their routines. We feel sympathy for them, trapped in roles that don’t reflect their true nature. Trained monkeys might perform on cue but never truly inspire awe.

Trained monkeys just don't have what it takes to be authentic. - NB

Today, we prioritize animal welfare, ensuring our pets have freedom and care. But when it comes to ourselves, we often neglect our own well-being, chasing conformity and forgetting who we truly are and why we are here.

Authenticity is less about learning new tricks and more about unlearning the old habits that keep us trapped.

Authenticity is being yourself in any situation, and this is a hard thing to practice.

Picture a first date with someone you really like. Do you wear Spanx to smooth out your imperfections or show up as you are with this little out-of-shape belly formed by your weakness for ice cream, chips, and beer? Do you pretend to be amused by a boring story, or admit you’d rather go home than listen to this nonsense for one second longer?

Or during a performance review—do you put on a professional mask, your polished speech, and what you consider a killer outfit to convince them you are the next-gen leader? Or do you speak honestly, even if it feels risky, admitting that the person in front of you just doesn't get it?

Authenticity requires daily acts of courage. - NB

Foster Authenticity When It Is The Hardest Thing to Do

Authenticity calls us to juggle the space between the desire to belong and the courage to be ourselves. It's about recognizing that our imperfections are part of our story, not obstacles to overcome. Embracing the messy parts—like stumbling over our words, feeling less than glamorous, or wrestling with self-doubt—offers freedom.

It’s a hard yes to ourselves, and for that, we have to look in the mirror. But who really wants to do that? The deeper we go, the more we realize how paradoxical it is:

We don’t care what others think, yet we care deeply. - NB

It’s the struggle between wanting freedom and desiring connection. Until we realize that only authenticity brings the right people into our lives, we’ll keep camouflaging our true nature. Like a chameleon shifts its colors, we’ll adjust to fit others' expectations.

Here are a few questions for self-reflection that I find helpful when I’m about to jump off the cliff:

✨ Am I trying to impress or to please?

✨ What assumptions am I making about how others will perceive me?

✨ What would I express or do if I were not afraid of judgment or rejection?

Finally: Why Should We Even Care About Good Old Authenticity?

Well, yes, it’s not just about us and taking small steps toward emotional freedom. Authenticity has a tangible impact on (who would have thought) business: I find the 2024 Edelman Trust Barometer enlightening in adding a little more perspective.

The barometer shows that 76% of respondents view trustworthiness as crucial to organizational success, and 71% would choose a trustworthy leader over a higher salary. Leaders who are transparent and open inspire loyalty and engagement, with 67% of employees feeling more committed to organizations where leaders show their true selves.

Quintessence: People aren’t just looking for skills—they want leaders who live their values. Authentic leaders inspire deeper trust and commitment. Authenticity distinguishes great leaders from the good ones.

Good leaders might navigate us through challenges, but great leaders—the ones who are real and vulnerable—help us thrive. - NB

Trust, it seems, thrives in the soil of authenticity. Authenticity is not nice to have in our transformational times; it is everything.

So, my beloved reader, I’m riffed out on authenticity for now.

Let’s live and show our beautifully messy, imperfect, and authentic versions of ourselves. Because: when we show up as our true selves, the world becomes a brighter place.

And it is more fun to be around and with us anyway.

For more inspiration on my work and opportunities to work with me, feel free to join my 5 days of Living Authentically.

With love, beauty, and joy

Nicole